Reason For Living
by utsubame
Summary: [ONE SHOT] Breaking up is hard to do, especially when your partner doesn't give a reason. Will Heero ever find out why Duo left him? Will he ever find Duo? 1x2, 3x4, 5xS, RxOC


Disclaimers: Don't own any part of Gundam Wing nor it's characters. Merely borrowing them for a little torture.

Warnings: Shounen-ai, OOCs, angst (I think)

**Reason for Living**

Quatre Winner walked into his personal office, a look of distress on his angelic face. He slammed a sheaf of papers onto his desk, causing his pen holder to bounce and fall over sideways. Trowa Barton, his boyfriend and former Heavyarms pilot, jumped slightly, startled from his current perusal of Quatre's personal security detail.

"What's wrong, little one?" Trowa skirted the large mahogany desk pulling the distraught blond into his arms.

Quatre fought Trowa off, not wanting to be coddled. "If I ever see Duo Maxwell again, I am going to skin him alive and hang him from my chandelier for all to see."

Trowa winced as his seemingly mild mannered boyfriend continued to rant and rave at their once best friend now gone missing to God only knows where. Duo had taken off two years ago to places unknown and hadn't looked back. He had also broken Heero Yuy's heart. No one would have guessed the cold Perfect Soldier had fallen so deep and so hard for the chattering Deathscythe pilot. They had seen signs of it during the Mariemaia incident but they hadn't guessed the depth of emotion Heero felt for Duo.

They didn't know what had happened and Heero wasn't one to offer any information. What they only saw was the result of the break up. Heero distraught to the point of tears and coldly cutting himself off from everyone that was close to him. After almost a week of silence from him, the remaining three former Gundam pilots had broken down the door to the apartment the other two had been sharing for the past year to find Heero huddled up in a corner, alcohol bottles littering the floor. He had been in tears, begging for one of them to kill him because he was too much of a coward to do it himself. No matter what Duo did to him, he still couldn't leave the world without the one chance that he might still be able to see that mischievous smile and those twinkling eyes one day.

A band of helpless friends took Heero back with them where they went about rebuilding his life and emotional sanity once more. He had quit the Preventors; being there brought back too many memories of Duo and took up a position at Winner Enterprises in their Technical Research and Development section.

If he had been cautious about people before, especially relationships, Heero was positively skittish now. Outside his small circle of friends and his colleagues, whom he tolerated at best, he remained cold and aloof to others.

Trowa knew his sometimes nosy lover had tried to get Heero to date but after coldly walking out of the house a few times, Quatre had stopped. The former Wing pilot's emotion was still shaky at best and there was still a lot of emotional baggage left over from Duo's abandonment.

Now Duo was another story of his own. Despite Quatre using all his resources, Wufei exhausting all his contacts and Trowa employing all his efforts, they weren't able to find the long haired self dubbed Shinigami on earth or any of the colonies. It was like a hole opened in the ground and swallowed him up. Trowa had seen Quatre go from pissed to concerned to worried for Duo and his lack of news but more than anything he knew his boyfriend wanted Duo to give Heero a proper explanation on why he left without a word. The green eyed teen knew Duo was not seeing anyone beside Heero at the moment. Duo wasn't the type to two time anyone. While there should be a good explanation for this, Trowa just couldn't come up with one. And seeing their friend getting more and more isolated didn't help his argument one bit.

"What happened?" Trowa asked, not really sure he wanted to hear it.

Quatre stopped his pacing and stared rather sadly at Trowa. "It's almost to the day when Duo… when that damn stupid selfish idiot left! Heero is all depressed again, and he is refusing to talk to anyone…"

Trowa caught Quatre in a loose hug and let him ramble on. Heero always got depressed around this time of the year and normally he would get stinking drunk before appearing as if nothing happened the next day. It hurt them to hear the longing in Heero's voice as he cried, asking them to find Duo for him. Despite it being two years, Heero hadn't lost any love for Duo, although it would be almost impossible to make Heero admit that. When he wasn't inebriated, the Wing pilot resembled a marble statue but his friends now knew better.

"We'll take him out that night alright?" Trowa assured. It had become routine for them to act as honour guards for Heero, despite the Japanese's protests. They were also a support system that had helped him through many things, so Trowa guess he wasn't going to protest too much. It just seemed to him that the only thing keeping Heero sane and alive was the three of them.

"Still no news of Duo?" Quatre asked, resting a cheek on Trowa's chest.

"When Duo Maxwell doesn't want to be found…" Trowa left that hanging.

**xx**

Heero Yuy had been living for the past two years in total numbness. The emotions one braided pilot had brought out in him had been carefully shoved back in the proverbial closet, never to be seen in the light of day ever again. J had been right; emotions were a person's downfall, therefore, eradicate emotions before they came back and bit one in the ass.

He didn't understand how he had managed to let Duo under his skin like that. He had ignored all the warning signals that had been flashing in his mind and jumped straight into what happened to be the best thing in his life. Until that fateful day when Heero came back from a Preventors mission early and found Duo trying to make a quick and quiet exit, his old duffle bag in hand. Duo had looked like a child being caught with his hand in the cookie jar but had adamantly refused an explanation of why he was leaving past the 'it was a mistake, it is over, thanks for the memories'.

He couldn't believe Duo had planned to just disappear with nothing more than a Dear John letter waiting for him on the kitchen counter. He couldn't believe it, the one thing that held his world together had just waltzed out of his life, taking his heart with him. And the card house came tumbling down.

He lost track of how many days he had tried to insulate himself from heartache through the bottom of a bottle of booze or how many days he had wandered around the house, holding Duo's pillow him, sniffing at the fading scent, trying to convince himself that this was just a nightmare he was going to wake from.

Then he was pulled out his wallowing by one very angry Winner heir, his concerned unibanged mono-visioned lover and a worried dragon. During the initial days, he didn't thank them for making him leave the last place Duo had lived in. He knew how close he had come to ending his own life, but something held him back, a hope, the thought that one day he might be able to get a real answer from Duo. Heero needed a solid reason why Duo had left him so abruptly. Weren't they completely in love? Didn't they have a future planned?

Over the years, resentment had hardened into hatred and he wondered how he would react if he saw the tail end of a three feet long braid. He was ashamed of himself because, despite his best efforts he still couldn't forget how much he loved Duo. He didn't want to think about things but inevitably, he started reminiscing about things around this time of year and one thing led to another causing him to get pleasantly drunk.

"What do you three want?" Heero snapped at the inhabitants of the car. He had finished work today, planning on locking himself inside his apartment and drinking himself into oblivion but had been kidnapped and shoved into Quatre's limousine.

"We are going to take you out for some fun tonight," Quatre smiled brightly.

"I'll pass," Heero grunted, reaching for the door handle.

Wufei grabbed Heero's hand. "Come on, it's a night out for friends. Nothing more than that."

"Of all nights, _tonight_?" Heero asked sarcastically, leaning back against the plush interior, crossing his arms in front of him.

Quatre bounced happily. "Why not tonight? We have so much planned."

Heero glared at Trowa, silently telling him that this was all his fault and probably all his idea as well. Besides, no one could look at that innocent, sweet face and still glare at Quatre. He sighed deeply, resigning himself to a night of utter boredom and discomfort. Knowing his friends, either Wufei or Trowa would be staying over with him tonight. He didn't need to be treated like some skittish animal. He was already nineteen and lived through two wars; he knew how to take care of himself.

So the night progressed, Heero felt increasingly caged and more than a little annoyed at his friends' forced humour. Finally, having enough, Heero pushed himself away from the table.

"Heero," Trowa half stood. "Where are you going?"

Heero whirled around to face his three friends. "I am going to pee and I am sure I know how to do it. Unless of course you want to come and help me?"

The three coloured briefly

With that said, Heero turned and left the trio to get a breather. He shut himself inside a stall and sat down on the closed toilet seat with a huge sigh of relief. He had never felt so cosseted in his entire life. He just wanted to get out of there and go home so he could shut the world out. His friends had a lot to say on how the method he used to 'shut out the world'. He couldn't help it; he just couldn't bear the influx of memories that hit him this time of year. Everything would remind of Duo all of a sudden.

He sat there immersed in his own thoughts that he didn't hear someone come into the washroom.

"Come on…" a man was saying. To Heero's ears, he sounded rather young. "That guy was so totally checking out your ass."

His companion laughed… and Heero's blood froze. He recognised that voice, that laugh. It still haunted his dreams.

"Oh please, that guy looked like a well dressed monkey, Ben. This whole idea of yours sucked. I think I should just go back and study or something."

Heero felt his breath coming in small gasps. No, it can't be him. It's just… it's just his mind telling him that Duo was around the corner, that's all. Duo was _gone._ It's not possible. His breathing continued to hitch and he felt a full panic attack coming on.

There was the sound of water running and then a tap being turned off. Feet shuffled across the floor as the two left.

Just as the door closed, one of them said something that would blow Heero's mind away. "Duo, you are such a nerd. When did you grow up so fast?"

Oh no, Duo. He was back.

**xx**

Wufei was never one for emotional displays but he had slowly released himself from his defences over the past two years. It was different when one of your closest friends needed your help and your sympathy. Although, Wufei knew Heero Yuy would kill him before admitting that a little sympathy and a healthy dose of friendship helped in getting him out of the dark place Maxwell's departure had left him in.

Over the years, Wufei had nearly unbent and referred to his friends by their given names, as if they actually had an identity. Now that this stiff Chinese man had finally opened his heart to accept them as part of his rather unconventional family, he would treat them with the honour and respect he treated all his family. Chang Wufei was nothing if not loyal. That was why he would never forgive Maxwell for pulling such a cruel move on Heero. Not even an explanation of why he had wanted out of the relationship. Even someone as dense as Wufei could see that Heero was besotted with the man. For a while there, he thought they were going to announce an engagement or something. The next thing he knew, he had been over at their apartment, pulling a screaming, struggling Heero away from the house. It was not a very pleasant memory and he promised himself he would make sure Maxwell got what coming to him the next time they met.

"Oh no!" Quatre muttered in distress.

Wufei swung a worried look to his companion.

"What is it, Quatre?" Trowa asked, looking down at his mate with concern.

But Quatre was staring silently ahead of him, riveted at the sight before him. "Duo," he uttered, stunned.

Wufei felt his jaw hanging as he stared at the former Deathscythe pilot far across the other side of the room. Maxwell has… changed. That was the only word for it. The boy had become a man in the short span of two years. He had lost his boyish plumpness of his face and even from this distance; Wufei could see the angles on his face. Maxwell had grown a little; perhaps a side effect from malnutrition in his past but his body had become sleeker. Alright, if one was to be completely brutal, Maxwell was now rail thin. He hadn't had much weight to lose previously, but this time around, he appeared to have managed the impossible. When Maxwell turned a little, laughing at his companion, they all could see the flash of violet of his unmistakable eyes.

"His… braid," Quatre choked, anguished.

Wufei felt like he had been punched in the gut. Maxwell's pride and joy, his three feet long braid was gone. For the first time since Wufei met him, Maxwell's hair was cropped short, ending at the nape of his neck. The Chinese man was confused. Why would he do something like that? He remembered being told once that the braid represent his past, his memories, those that he fought for. Did cutting it off mean he was giving up his past? Forgetting everything… Heero and them included?

Quatre stared at Duo as his once best friend walked past them, grinning at the man next to him. Even from this distance he could see that this was the first time he has ever seen the chestnut haired teen smile so disarmingly, so genuinely, so happily. It was as if a huge weight had been taken off his shoulders and honestly, he looked unburdened from the past.

Quatre couldn't stop the hurt from shooting through him as he realised Duo was probably happy to be away from _them_. It wasn't just Heero, it was them as well.

Was their friendship worth so little to him? The three of them sat stock still in their chairs, watching mutely as Duo and his friend walked out the restaurant. It didn't even cross their minds to actually get up and try to catch up with him.

"Let's hope Heero doesn't know," Trowa said, exhaling loudly.

A blond and dark head was about to nod their agreement when they saw Heero barrelling out of the men's room, running down the exact path Duo had been walking just five minutes ago.

"He knows," Wufei muttered urgently, pushing away from the table and going after their panicking friend.

That was like a signal to them all as they left the table and ran after Heero, who was now out the door. They found Heero outside, panting harshly and looking up and down the street frantically.

"Heero," Quatre caught his friend before he decided to bolt off to places unknown again.

"He's here, Duo was here," Heero swung a wild eyed to Quatre, breaking his grip. "I need to find him, I need to know why."

Trowa caught him firmly, not letting him budge an inch. "No, Heero, he is far gone now. You don't even know where he is."

"But… but I need to find him. I deserve an explanation," Heero was crying out like a petulant child and fighting his friends for all it was worth.

Soon Heero was encircled in a hug by all his friends. It served two purposes, one to ground him and two to avoid escape until he calmed down. The Japanese teen was in no state of mind to go off running anywhere. Quatre also feared what would happen if Heero actually found Duo. Right now, he could see that Heero was caught up in shock, but as that faded, the healthy dose of hate that has been building will be firmly entrenched and Quatre wasn't sure Heero wouldn't shoot Duo at first sight.

"If he is here, I can find him," Quatre promised, forgetting conveniently that they had run Earth through with a fine tooth comb to come up with nothing.

"Come on Heero," Wufei pulled his friend firmly with him. "Let's get you home, alright?"

Heero still looking rather lost, allowed his friends to lead him away.

**xx**

Reflecting back on that night, Heero realised he was more than incoherent and still caught up with past feelings. But as the shock of possibly finding his former lover again wore off, the old feelings of hurt, abandonment and anger rose. He didn't deserve to have been treated like Duo did him. He did nothing wrong.

So, he left all these pent up emotions and went to work, living his work a day at a time like he always did. He had been a fool to let Duo allow him to believe that there was a future for murderers like them, to allow him to think of happily ever after and all that contrived crap. Then Duo had left him to deal with the rest of the world alone, when he promised that he would always be there.

Lies.

Love was all a bunch of lies. He didn't need them or want them any longer.

All he needed now was to find Duo, he needed the closure then he could get on with the rest of his life.

Despite Quatre's promise a month back, they were no closer to locating the illusive Shinigami than they were in the past two years. Once again, Duo Maxwell seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth. It was annoying as hell and completely frustrating. They had tried countless other alias Duo might have gone under but there wasn't even a shadow of him.

Until, of course, Heero decided to take a trip to a little known café in the outskirts of town that Relena had been raging about their hot chocolate. Relena decided that her friend was getting down in the mouth and dragged him out for an afternoon of 'bonding'. Heero smiled at the description and allowed himself to be 'dragged'. Relena turned out to be a pretty good friend once she got over her pink obsession and her stalker stage. Once she understood that personal letters should only be opened to by the addressee, they got along well enough. She hadn't been at all angry with the fact that Duo had left him for places unknown, but had been properly sympathetic. She hadn't joined him, Quatre and Wufei to rant about how irresponsible and how selfish Duo was. Trowa had been odd, he had always insisted that Duo wouldn't do this without a good reason, but has yet to find one to placate Heero.

"So, tell me about this place," Heero smiled slightly, more a smirk than anything.

"Well," Relena gushed, linking her arm around Heero's. "I have friend who works here part time to pay his way through college. He made an excellent hot chocolate for me. It is very good."

Heero allowed himself to be dragged along, pleased to see Relena regaining some of her youth. At least one of them should. Of course, Trowa works for the _circus_ but that was a different story. Today however, Relena was a little nervous, edgy even, as if she expected something to happen. They stopped in front of a quaint little café in a suburban area while Relena's bodyguards preceded them check out the security. He suppressed a small chuckle at Relena's resigned sigh. Being former Queen of the World wasn't very fun, apparently.

"Ms Peacecraft," a big burly man came out. "All is safe now." He held the door open for Relena and Heero to enter.

"Why didn't you want to be my bodyguard?" Relena complained, pinching Heero on the arm. At Heero's prolonged silence, she snuck a peek and realised she had let her tongue run wild again. She was surprised how easily things reminded her friend of Duo. And he insisted that he had nothing but hate for the American. How typically male to be in denial.

She quickly ushered Heero to her favourite seat and waited for someone to come take her order. And she knew exactly who would come when this space was taken up.

"Good afternoon, princess," a cheerfully familiar voice greeted Relena, who turned up to the new arrival with a nervous smile on her face. "What can I get for you and your…"

Heero stared, his jaw slack and his face pale. The first thought that entered his head was, what happened to his braid? It was closely followed by the desire to clean his clock. Which he did, rather spectacularly.

Duo found himself sitting on the floor, his head spinning and his jaw sore. He stared in wonder at the last person he expected to find, or wanted to be found by. Then he swung hurt, accusing violet eyes to the person he thought he could trust. Relena stared helplessly at the teen on the ground and then back at a furious Heero. She felt pinned by the cold blue eyes and knew that in that second, she had lost a friend. Maybe two.

"You bastard!" Heero spat at the figure on the ground. Then it registered in his mind that Relena knew about Duo being here, she knew his whereabouts all these years. She also knew how much he had been hurting and still she kept silent.

Duo hurried to his feet, feeling all eyes on him. "I told you to stay out of it!" He yelled at Relena and took off running.

"You aren't running anymore!" Heero shouted, taking off after Duo. They had spent years looking for him and his location had been right under their noses. He could kill Relena but 'Omae O Korosu' has been banned from his vocabulary come peace time. But now he had the chance to finally get some closure, to put this bad period of this life out of the way. He slipped past patrons and waiters alike, running into kitchen and out the back, his eyes never leaving the slim back of the American.

He ran into the alley and saw Duo with his hands on his knees, panting. He frowned, a little worried. He had seen the former pilot run five miles without breaking a sweat but this was merely a short sprint. What the hell had Duo been doing? He clamped his hand on Duo's shoulder, startling the American, who whirled around.

"Done running?" Heero sneered.

Duo stood, squaring his shoulders resolutely. "Heero, I'm sorry."

Heero started laughing, he couldn't help it. It wasn't a sound of mirth but one of disbelief. "Is that all you are going to say? 'I'm sorry' after putting me through hell for the past two years?"

The American flinched at that.

"I deserve an explanation. I want to know why! Wasn't I good enough for you?" Heero winced at how he sounded. It was as if he was asking Duo for favours.

"No… Heero," Duo reached out, wanting to wipe the pain from Heero's expression. He found his hand rudely slapped away.

"Do not touch me," Heero panted softly, feeling the onset of a panic attack. "I… hate you. I never want to see you again. As far as we are concerned, it is over." He turned away, finally saying the things he had wanted to say to Duo for so long. He walked out of that alley, each step echoing off the walls of the buildings. He walked out of the past, out of Duo's life but he wondered why his heart ached so much.

**xx**

Duo stared at Heero's squared a retreating back. The pain from the Japanese was so palpable that it hurt him from such a distance. He wanted to reach out and stop Heero, wanted to go down on his knees and beg for his forgiveness. He let his hand drop to his side, knowing it was a lost cause. He wouldn't lie, so keeping silent was the next best thing. Besides, it would be best if they both moved on. While he was adverse against lying to someone else, he sure didn't mind lying to himself. He knew deep inside he would never forget Heero, never stop loving him, but it was better this way. Heero would be happier this way.

He swallowed the tears that threaten after so long and turned to go back in. He needed to finish his shift. He had medical school to complete. He spied Relena standing at the door, looking terrified and guilty.

"You shouldn't have interfered, Relena," Duo admonished with a soft sigh. "But it's too late now. It doesn't matter."

"I couldn't stand to see both of you hurting any longer. I just wanted my friends to be back together again," she explained tearfully.

"Duo!" A new voice called worriedly from inside the café.

Relena turned and flung herself into the arms of the new arrival.

"Relena? Love, what's wrong?" He asked, trying to calm her.

"Heero came," Duo closed the door behind him, walking toward the sink and started washing the dishes there. "Your girlfriend decided to play cupid again, Ben."

Ben looked down in surprised at the blonde head buried into his chest. "Baby, you promised. You know this wasn't what Duo wanted."

"Just… just take her home, okay?" Duo muttered tiredly. "I really need some time to think things through okay?"

Ben nodded, and led Relena away.

Duo decided to take another shift, as apology for starting that stupid scene. His boss was understanding enough not to pry further but warned him against further displays during working hours. He went about his tasks mechanically, remembering the correct areas to smile and greet a customer but his mind churned constantly, his heart roiled with emotion.

It has been two years, he had expected Heero to have moved on. Quatre would have ensured he met new people. What had happened? Was he truly wrong to think so little of Heero? Did he wait for Duo all these years? Was his initial decision wrong? He remembered how much pain Heero was in when he looked at Duo earlier today. But Duo didn't have a choice. He did it to make sure Heero _wasn't_ hurt. Did he screw up that badly?

"You close up today, Shin," his boss called out, leaving for the day.

He nodded and continued sweeping the floor. Shin Cassidy, he had been living under that name for the past two years. He _really_ didn't want anyone to find him, his former friend (s) included.

"Duo Maxwell!"

But, he winced, that was too late now. He turned and peeked from under his bangs at two of his closest friends, well, once closest. They, like Heero, probably wanted to rip open his stomach and pull his intestines out before pouring copious amounts of salt over his wounds.

Quatre Winner had always been very intimidating when thoroughly pissed. They used to call him 'going Zero' on them. It was a scary sight. Two strides into the café and Duo was slapped across the face again. Oh god, he really needed ice tonight.

"I can't believe you dare show your face in this place again. Why did you have to do that to Heero? Don't you know how hard we tried for him to have a normal life again?"

With half an ear Duo studied his friends almost hungrily. Trowa was standing silently next to Quatre like an honour guard. No surprise there. They had changed so much, they had turned into men. They had left the war and all the killing behind. Trowa was studying him carefully, as if trying to figure him out. While Quatre could be shrewd at times, it was Trowa that Duo was worried would find him out. The tall European was more observant about things than a lot of them gave him credit for. There was little condemnation in his eyes, which solidified Duo's belief that Trowa had guessed there was more mitigating circumstances to Duo's disappearance. That was bad.

"And today you managed to reduce him to the same thing he was the last time you left him. Wufei had to hide all the alcohol. You shouldn't have come back, you should have just disappeared for good. That way Heero would have eventually forgotten you!" Quatre continued to rant as Duo docilely accepted it. He deserved every bit of venom his friends could spew out.

"Little one," Trowa reached out to stop Quatre. Duo guessed he could sense something was wrong with the whole picture. "Stop that, you don't mean that."

Quatre swung an angry look at Trowa. "No? I do mean every bit of it. I wish he had died, then it wouldn't be as bad."

Died? Duo's mind stumbled to a stop. Yes, why didn't he die? Was there some reason why he was still walking amongst the living? Did God want him to repent for something? He suddenly started trembling, realising just how close he was to actually fulfilling Quatre's ardent wish. It was then he realised he couldn't _stop_ trembling. Oh shit, his medication.

His knees buckled as he fell to the floor, his limbs flailing about.

"Shit, Duo," Trowa ran to his side. "What's wrong?"

Duo hated these episodes, he felt so damn weak and helpless. His vision got blurry and he thought he saw Quatre's now concerned features hovering close to him.

"Trowa, what's wrong with him?" Quatre almost shriek, somehow believing this was his fault.

"Duo, you forgot your medica…" It was Ben. He skidded to a stop when he saw Duo on the floor. "Damn it," he swore and ran to his convulsing friend, pushing away the two strangers. "Get me a pillow or something," he ordered, and watched the blond running to the couches and grabbed a few pillows off it. Ben expertly turned Duo onto his side, trying to support his head from hitting the floor. He ripped the throw pillows from the blond and made a protective cocoon around Duo's head.

"What's wrong with him?" Trowa insisted.

"He's having seizures you idiot!" Ben yelled desperately. "Call an ambulance."

**xx**

Heero glared at Wufei, who sat in view of him at all times since the start of this evening when he had brokenly told his friends he found Duo. Now he wished he didn't. They were treating him like a wounded animal again. Trowa and Quatre had stormed out of there to confront the errant American. Well, Quatre had stormed, Trowa had docilely followed to stop his lover from doing something he would definitely regret.

"Just go, I'm going to be alright. Sally is waiting for you," Heero told Wufei acidly.

Wufei shrugged nonchalantly. "We have an understanding. I take care of my psychotic friend and she goes out with her schizophrenic boss." That got a slight chuckle out of Heero and a throw cushion in the face.

"It's over, Wufei. I said my goodbyes. I walked away." Heero was trying to convince Wufei as much as himself. Seeing Duo again had brought back so many memories, both good and bad. He had pierced the armour of coldness that had been his only emotion since Duo left.

Wufei smiled sadly, not really believing the mask that was firmly in place on Heero's face. For some reason, the mask reminded him of Duo.

A bell chime announced someone at the door and Heero got up to see who it was. His jaw tightened when he saw who was at the door. He flung the door open irritably. "Get lost, Relena. You have lost whatever trust I had in you. Just go away."

Wufei came up to flank Heero, looking down that the girl with the same condemnation in his obsidian eyes.

Relena was worrying her lower lip and looked up at Heero with tearful eyes. "Please Heero, let me explain. Duo… Duo did it for a reason."

"What reason did he have for breaking the heart of someone that loved him that much?" Wufei interjected, disgusted. "And you know better than to keep any information about Duo from Heero, of all people!"

"I had no choice, Ben asked me not to. I wanted to tell you," Relena sobbed helplessly. "And Duo was depressed enough as it was. We were worried that he would do something stupid as it was!"

That got Heero's attention. "What? Depressed? Duo? What happened?"

Relena clasped her hand over her mouth, knowing she had said something wrong. Noting the two determined faces, she knew she had no choice but to tell them the truth. It has been long overdue.

**xx**

Trowa put an arm around his worried lover as they sat in the waiting area at the hospital. He could feel the waves of guilt pouring out of Quatre while they watched as the stranger who appeared to be Duo's friend ran around, expertly handling the situation. This could only mean that this wasn't the first seizure that Duo has had.

"He wasn't sick before!" Quatre insisted, pulling at Trowa's sleeve. The European knew that his lover thought Duo's seizure was somehow set off by his hitting him, but Trowa knew better. And whatever secrets Duo Maxwell took with him two years ago will be revealed soon.

"I know, little one. This isn't your fault."

"But… but I hit him," Quatre sighed. "And then he fell down."

Trowa shook his head. "No, love. There was something I didn't tell all of you. Something that I suspected was wrong with Duo a long time ago."

Quatre pinned his boyfriend with a cold frosty look enough to glaze the Sahara with ice in the high heat of afternoon. "What do you mean?"

Trowa cringed visibly at the annoyed look Quatre had on. He had suspected something was wrong with Duo years ago, yet he had kept silent. It was something that he had seen happened a long time ago. He debated letting his lover brain him or keeping silent and letting his lover brain him anyway.

"Remember just before your birthday two years ago when one of the Manguanacs found a car in your garage badly scratched?"

Quatre nodded, confused at what this had any relevance to the current situation. "It was a small matter, I had it fixed."

"And then a week later, another one of your cars was badly scratched? On the very same side?" Trowa continued.

"Yes, I just assumed the driver was extremely careless."

"Duo was driving those two vehicles. I saw him by accident twice."

"So?" Quatre was more than confused now. "It's not as if I mind giving them a new paint job."

Trowa sighed loudly. "No, Quatre, what I meant was, Duo was veering to the left when driving. I also noticed he had been having coordination problems when he was walking."

"Why didn't you tell us? Or say something?" Quatre accused, his eyes wide with hurt.

"I called him on it, but he brushed it off. He kept saying he was tired and he just needed to get some rest. Then, he left." Trowa trailed off, staring into space, absently rubbing Quatre's arm.

The blond was looking rather sick, realising that he failed to notice his best friend was ill or possibly in need of help. "What could have been wrong with him?"

"He had a tumour in his brain," Duo's friend said, standing at the doorway.

**xx**

"That's not possible!" Heero shook his head in disbelief. "I would have known!" He stared agog at Relena. She must be lying, mustn't she? How could his own lover be sick without him knowing it?

Relena didn't know how to answer that and kept silent, clenching her hands in her lap.

"A tumour, especially in such a sensitive area as the brain would definitely have some effects to his motor functions and there should be visible symptoms," Wufei said reasonably. His time with Sally happened to be well spent.

"If you are not going to believe me, that is up to you," Relena was beginning to get a little annoyed with all this resistant to believe something other than what they wanted. "He was having physical symptoms but Heero was to busy with his work for the Preventors to notice. He was always sleeping, always tired, he had reduced sensitivity of his left side, veering to his left all the time. None of you saw this."

It felt like a slap in the face but it wasn't a baseless accusation. It was true, he _didn't_ see any of it. He had been too busy pursuing to maintain what he paid for with blood, sweat, tears and his childhood, his innocence. He needed to make sure peace would survive for a long while more before war reared its ugly head again. In that he had ignored Duo. His partner had always been so independent, so self sufficient, it just never dawned on him that Duo could get sick. Duo was never sick. The L2 plague couldn't even get him.

He tried to swallow the guilt but it somehow didn't wash away the pain of abandonment. Duo _did_ leave him and his heart _was_ ripped out.

"How…" Heero felt his voice choked up. Clearing his throat several times and shrugging off Wufei's supportive hand on his shoulder. His conscience was trying to battle with his heart and neither was winning. He wasn't sure if he had any right to be angry yet he just couldn't forget how it felt being all alone not knowing what he did wrong. "How did you find out?"

"I didn't until I met Ben Cassidy almost a year and a half ago. Ben is a volunteer at the hospital Duo was being treated at. They had become rather good friends. Ben went to college the same place that I do. I had a crush on him and it was quite evident that he liked me too," she smiled at the memory. She frowned a little then. "But for some odd reason, he kept having to run off at the most inopportune times. We could be on a date and kissing he would just take off. I had it one day. It was either break up with him, force him to tell me the truth or stalk him."

At that last, Heero couldn't resist wane smile and Wufei chuckled softly. Once a stalker always a stalker. At least Ben didn't have to deal with a pink limousine.

Relena huffed a little but continued with her explanation. "I tracked him all the way back to his apartment and I saw Duo opened the door for him." She noted Heero stiffening at that name yet again. "Yes, I had the same reaction as you. I was thinking that Duo Maxwell stole another crush from me again. True to form I walked in there and started screaming at Duo until I realised something was wrong with him." Tears came to her eyes as the memory pulled her along. "You should have seen him, Heero. He looked so sick. He was so thin, they had to shave all his hair off. The chemotherapy was making him nauseous and he was so _weak_."

Heero swallowed convulsively, trying to banish that image from his head with little success.

Relena's cell phone rang suddenly and she picked it up. The conversation was rather one sided but as the call lengthen, the more colour she lost. Finally, she stood up and ran to the door, leaving the two behind, looking completely confused.

"Where are you going?" Wufei asked, standing up.

"To the hospital, Duo had another seizure."

Heero's brain froze.

Hospital.

Duo.

Seizure.

He shot off the couch and followed Relena at a dead run.

**xx**

"My name is Benjamin Cassidy," he introduced himself to Duo's pole axed friends. He studied them carefully, trying not to judge. But as former Gundam pilots, they had the observation skills of an ant. "I volunteer at the hospital and I first met Duo in the Neurology department two years ago. He had been warded there for brain haemorrhaging."

He watched as the blond clutched at the taller auburn haired man's arm. From Duo's fond reminiscence he knew that they were lovers. The American had spoke of them at great length, but never of his own lover. Ben knew Duo hurt each time he thought of the man he had to abandon. He had thought he was doing it for their sakes but Ben hadn't agreed. Still it was what he had wanted and Ben wasn't going to say anything that would further aggravate Duo's depression.

So he told them how he had met Duo, how he had become his friend, how Duo had left his friends and his life behind because he didn't want to be a burden on them.

"He would have never been a burden!" Quatre blurted, hurt colouring his eyes. "He was… is my best friend. I would have taken care of him. Heero would have too." His effort to suppress tears failed as one lonely drop trickled out the corner of his eyes.

"You don't understand, Mr Winner. A brain surgery of that magnitude had its risks. Duo was afraid of not being able to wake after the operation. He also feared paralysis. He had always wanted to be independent. He didn't want to appear weak in your eyes. And if he died, he didn't want his friends to grieve for him. He would rather you hate him." Ben told them brutally, feeling no need to blunt the truth.

Both of Duo's friends flinched but Ben felt no satisfaction. He didn't want to hurt them more.

"But he seemed alright, why didn't he come back to us?" Trowa said quietly.

"There was months of chemotherapy and radiotherapy after that. The mood swings, the nausea, the depression. He just didn't want anyone to see him that way."

"But you?" Quatre said scornfully, as if having difficulty believing that his best friend would choose a stranger over him.

Ben smirked. "I didn't give him any choice actually. I grabbed him by the collar kicking and screaming back to my apartment." Then he lost his smile. "There were times when I think he wanted to give up and just die but something always called him back…" He stared at the two of them. "And it isn't me." He nodded in satisfaction as the message behind that sentence hit home. The guilt in their eyes soared.

"Why did you take him home?" Trowa shot out suddenly, taking Ben completely off guard.

"Duo… he reminded me of my brother. He died of cancer. I remembered how hard it was on him. And I didn't want Duo to be alone. When he was healthy enough, he started getting scared. He knew how much you all would hate him and he decided to leave things as it is." Ben's tone hardened. "And seeing his reception from first his lover and now his supposed best friend, I guess his worst fears were confirmed."

"Ben!" A frantic voice and patter of footsteps came from the empty hallway. Suddenly Ben found himself an armful of tearful girlfriend, much to the shock of Quatre and Trowa.

"Relena?" Trowa and Quatre echoed. They exchanged confused looks at why their friend was holding this person so intimately. "Wufei? HEERO?" The two shot to their feet as their friends came thundering in.

"How is Duo?" Heero asked urgently.

Ben turned a frosty glare on the former Wing pilot. "How Duo is, is none of your business."

**xx**

Duo blinked his eyes opened and stared up at a familiar ceiling. He groaned loudly, feeling his entire body ache. He always felt like that after an attack. He hated waking up in the hospital.

"Well, you should have thought about that when you missed your medication," a short Asian man in a lab coat admonished, looking through his charts.

Whoops, did he say it out loud?

"Yes, you did," the man laughed again. "You always tend to blurt things out when you are exhausted, Shin."

Duo glared at his neurosurgeon, Dr Wang. "If you didn't save my life I would have punched you."

The doctor shook his head, exasperated. He was used to his young patient's temperament, which was more bark than bite. "You know better than to forget your medication, Duo. You're lucky that Ben was around. What if you are around people who don't know how to handle seizures? You could have choked and died." The doctor was frowning heavily at him.

Duo nodded. "Sorry, I got distracted with some personal stuff."

The sound of arguing slowly penetrated his still fuzzy senses. He frowned, wondering who would be arguing in a hospital and so loudly. It appeared that Dr Wang was also beginning to realise the disturbance.

"What the hell?" Dr Wang put down Duo's chart irritably and walked out, trying to find what the disturbance was.

Duo sat up as well, ignoring the pounding headache that would stop after a few moments. His sharp ears heard snippets of 'asshole', 'leave him alone', 'don't deserve him', and 'Heero'. Oh no, Heero! He was here. Why? He bolted out of bed, catching himself before his legs buckled and continued running.

"Shin, get back here!" Dr Wang took after his recovering patient.

Duo followed the sounds of voices escalating in anger and stopped outside the waiting room. The sight before him shocked him. Ben had Heero by the lapels and screaming in his face. Heero looked like he was about to explode while the rest of them scrambled around him trying to break the potentially explosive fight up.

Silence fell on the group as they turned in unison to stare at Duo. Suddenly, there was a rush of people up to him, surrounding him, hugging him, touching him. There was a barrage of questions on how he felt and where had he been and it was making him dizzy. However, he was focused on one person. Duo felt his heart constrict as he stared at Heero. There was a look in his blue eyes that Duo remembered well. It was the same look Heero had given him two years ago. It was pain, love, betrayal all mixed into one.

No, he was wrong. Maybe he should have told Heero the truth? Maybe Relena was right? Heero deserved better than what he did? Maybe Heero deserved better than him, period.

"I need to talk to you, Heero. Alone," he swung a look at the rest of them who looked about to protest. "Alone."

Duo led Heero back to the room he was currently in. He paced nervously as Heero sat stiffly in one of those plastic visitor's chair. He didn't know how to begin, especially now Heero knew everything.

Mental note: kill Ben and girlfriend.

"Why?" Heero grated out, his tone harsh with suppressed emotions.

Duo stopped and turned to Heero. Why exactly? He really didn't know. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. He didn't really think past the 'I may not be able to wake from surgery alive stage' to figure out why he had done what he done.

"I really thought it would be for the best," Duo tried to explain, sinking onto the bed. He knew the more rest he had, the faster Dr Wang would discharge him. He still had a job and school to get back to.

"Best for whom?" Heero asked quietly.

"Heero, I was dying at the time. The tumour had grown large enough to cause bleeding. I was confused most of the time. But what I was certain was, I didn't want you to grieve for me." Duo was struggling through the explanation. "I didn't want anyone of you to be sad. Shinigami should have died a long while ago."

Heero gaped at him, unsure of what to say. Of all the explanations he had envisioned this one was the only one he had never expected. It was stupid, irrational, selfish and annoying, it was possibly one of the sweetest thing Heero has ever heard. The first thought that registered in his mind was, Duo still loved him. Until now, to this very second, Duo was still thinking about him. There was too much pain in his eyes to think otherwise. However, natural born caution warred with the desire to sweep Duo into his arms and kiss the living daylights out of him.

"You're a selfish bastard," Heero spat instead.

Duo looked like he had been slapped and honestly, if Heero hadn't punched him earlier today, he might have considered it once more.

"Have you even thought what something like that would do to me?" Heero continued, keeping his hands firmly by his side, trying to ignore the itching to hug Duo. "You gave me emotions then leave me to deal with it myself. You leave me with a hole in my heart and tell me it is all for my own good? What kind of twisted reasoning is that?"

"You don't know how it feels to have everyone you cared about die in front of your eyes! It is worse that having a hole in your heart. It feels like it has been ripped bloody and beating from your very chest," Duo yelled. "I wanted to spare you that. I didn't want you to spend hours sitting at my bedside, wondering if I could wake, then spend the next nine months or so holding my hair back as I puked into the toilet, or deal with the tears and depression that came with overdose of steroids, or the damn rehabilitation that came with the slight loss of motor functions on the left side of my body or the stupid seizures that became the side effects of an open brain surgery. You had so much damn energy in you, I didn't want to tie you…"

Half way through his broken, babbling explanation of the things he swore his friends would never find out, warm, familiar, comforting arms embraced him tightly. With each explanation, Heero felt his own unreasonable anger and hatred subside like a balloon being punctured. Sure he deserved to know, but the American had went through this with nothing more than a kind hearted albeit nosey stranger butting his head. He hadn't the support of the people he had thought was family, the support Heero would have desperately wanted to give him. He still hurt but Duo need him more right now. Unable to hold back, he grabbed the one person that can make his heart sing and buried his face into the side of Duo's neck, breathing in the familiar scent. Even now, in this sterile, unforgiving place, Duo was able to comfort and arouse with this musky, sweet scent that was his alone.

"Heero?" Duo asked uncertainly, standing stock still. He was afraid that one small wrong move would break the spell. How he had missed these arms around him. There were countless times over the years when he was at his worse to pick up the phone just to hear Heero's voice. He had tried a few times, but the line had been disconnected.

"Shut up, you selfish bastard," Heero mocked tenderly, swooping down to fuse their lips together. It was like finding the other half of his soul, like finding his other hand in the dark. It was the most difficult thing, yet it was the simplest thing in the world. It was bliss. He searched Duo's warm access possessively, desperate to make this man that still haunted his dreams his again.

The kiss ended with them sprawled half on the bed, clothes in disarray and breath that would return to their lungs in a while yet. Duo stared up at Heero with unmistakable passion in his eyes, yet a hint of uncertainty.

"I hurt you," Duo whispered, tracing the lines around Heero's eyes that seemed to have sprung up in a few short years. The war and working at the Preventors hadn't brought such age to Heero, _he_ had. He was in awe that Heero let him so far past his defences.

Taking a deep breath, Heero sat back. "Yes, you did. I am not going to tell you this explanation changes how I feel. I still… have problems trusting that this is real, that… that you won't leave me again." He found it hard expressing his feelings after all this time, but Duo deserved a similar explanation from him. "I hated you, well, maybe not hate, but I hurt more than anything I have felt before. I do know that I still love you, but… I don't know if I can trust you. What if you leave me again?"

Duo nodded in understanding, sitting up and hanging his head dejectedly. "I understand Heero. They said it was a rather aggressive tumour. It could come back at anytime and the same thing would happen again," he tried to stifle a soft sniff. So Heero couldn't forgive him. Which was fine. He had completely expected this the moment he walked out of Heero's life. "I wouldn't want you to be here in the possibility that I might still be dying and…"

For the second time in fifteen minutes, Heero Yuy chose the most effective way to shut the chatterbox Shinigami up. As their lips parted, there was an oddly exasperated smile on Heero's lips.

"That was not what I meant, Duo," Heero ran the pad of his thumb across Duo's slightly wet lower lip. "I love you, I know _now_ that I have never stopped, despite what I might have told myself but I can't help but think that you might decide to take this on your own again. It just makes me think that you don't trust me. That you had never trusted me."

Duo shook his head vehemently. "No! Heero, I… I love you, I trust you with my life… I just didn't want you hurt. I would have hurt you. Please believe me." He reached for Heero, holding him like a life line.

Heero encircled his arms slowly around Duo, stroking his back. It was as if the two years never happened. His body recognised his mate. "Then don't push me away anymore?"

It was the plaintive, almost boyish plea that was Duo's undoing. He moaned, shaking his head. "No, never again. I promise you, never more."

"Good, because since I know why you did it the first time, I will follow you till the ends of the earth if this happens a second time."

A few more moments of silent contemplation of each other, they sealed this promise with another sweet kiss.

It wasn't all happily ever after at that of course. Both still had issues to deal with. Duo lived in fear almost everyday of leaving Heero alone, that his tumour would recur and Heero found it hard to completely trust Duo again and tend to be suspicious of everything he tried to do. They spent the first few months of their lives together arguing heatedly before falling into bed in a round of 'make up sex'. It took a toll on them both and finally, Duo succumbed. Heero came back one day to find his lover convulsing on the floor of their living room. The stress of trying to constantly prove himself to Heero and making sure his lover knew where he was at all times had caused him to be lax with his medication again.

Fortunately, for both of them, things got better. They both began to find middle ground again. Heero realised just how badly Duo needed his support and to just trust him, while Duo found out that time was the best healer and his constant presence in Heero's life. Things fell into a routine. Their friends got to know Duo again and the real healing process began.

A few years later saw them standing in attendance at the high profile wedding of Relena Peacecraft and Benjamin Cassidy. Heero had Duo's hand tightly held in his, wishing it was them standing in front of the altar instead.

Heero looked over at Duo who was staring raptly at his two friends promising their lives to each other, as long as they both shall live. Duo was due for another CT scan next week and Heero knew the American was worried as hell. He had confessed his fear to Heero just as he always did his other night terrors. Heero on the other hand, did his best to calm the distraught Duo down. Heero felt good to be helping Duo through his fears right now.

Duo was set to start medical school in a few months, after being accepted into a prestigious medical school recently. Heero still worked with Quatre but was thinking of venturing into his own business soon. Quatre and Trowa were still joined at the hip and Wufei had recently asked Sally for her hand in marriage.

Yes, life was good.

It wasn't perfect, but it was as good as it gets.


End file.
